Hijinks and Hilarities

My Mother, My Hero

My mom is arriving today from SC for my upcoming bday...here's a text I received that just HAS to be shared...pure genius: Don't no how happened,but my ta-ta's rhangin out of my bra.the cup is perched @ top of ribs_ will need 2 make adjustment b4 go2 baggage.waitin 2take off

Now y'all know EXACTLY where my humor comes from!!!

Blog-A-Dazzle & MyColor inspired by Pantone Painting Party TOMORROW 10/17, 12p EST!!!

Y'all, I'm thrilled to share that I was asked to participate in a painting party for MyColor inspired by Pantone paint!!! Holla! What in hell does THAT mean, y'all ask??? Well, along with four other awesome diy bloggers, who will be blogging at the same time with cool projects of their own, I'll be completing a special diy project using MyColor inspired by Pantone paint.

In addition to learning all the 411 on my project, y'all will be able to scoot over to the next diy blogger's post in a pre-determined order and get more ideas and inspiration from their projects. The BEST part? Y'all can comment on my post for a chance to win a sample of MyColor inspired by Pantone paint!!! What-What?! FREE PAINT, y'all!!! Get IT! VALUE! Here are the other diy dynamos and the order of the party (they'll be links and more detailed instructions in tomorrow's post, this is a friendly heads-up):

Courtney @ A Thoughtful Place PJ @ Blog-A-Dazzle Cassie @ Primitive and Proper Holly @ Life in the Fun Lane Angela @ Number Fifty-Three Heather @ Paper Princess Studio

Remember, the par-tay starts at 12p EST sharp. So, this means, regardless of where you live, y'all need to do some math and figure out what time 12p EST is for you and then hit up Blog-A-Dazzle to fulfill your painting destinies, ok?!!

Show Me Your Teeth, Thrift Whores!

A pic of the exterior of the Brooklyn Heights Housing Works And that means it's Thursday, y'all! Get ready to do your Thrift Whore dance...5...6...7...8...cue dry ice...and when the smoke clears, look and see what the Brooklyn Heights Housing Works is serving us this week:

A pic of a pony covered settee in Housing Works thrift shop

We've just been style-slapped by this pony covered settee! DAMN! It's so un-p.c., I KNOW, y'all, but the decorating deed has already been done long ago, so somebody better saddle UP and get this in your house...PRONTO!

A tight pic of the sales tag for a vintage pony covered settee in thrift store

Right about now is the point in my Thrift Whoring that I wish all my years of dreaming for some sort of warehouse space was a reality, b/c that settee would be on my back on it's way there...alas, one day...and this too...damn double hot in one place:

Pic of a mid century desk in thrift store

And the hotties just keep jumping off the shelves in the Housing Works...what what!

A pic of a large dining table at thrift shop

A pic of a bronze chandelier in thrift shop

A pic of a clear glass small lamp in thrift shop

A wall planter at the thrift shop

A brass footed dish in thrift shop

A pic of a corn popper in a thrift shop

So chew on that, y'all! And happy whoring!!!

Y'all, get some gourds...it's FALL!

I love Fall, always have. And it's one of the BEST times to be in NYC. It's also a great time to think about our decor and how to reflect the change in seasons inside. Here's an inspiring article on how to get really creative with gourds. Enjoy, y'all... Pic of a cornucopia basket dressed with gourds on table

IT’S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERF&$KERS.

BY COLIN NISSAN - - - - I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some f&$king gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That sh*t is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker f&$ker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, a@@holes. Guess what season it is—f&$king fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant f&$king squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and f&$ked that sh*t up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful f&$king gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, f&$kfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-a@@ed harvest or you’re not.”

Carving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this sh*t just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely f&$king real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.

The next thing I’m going to do is carve one of the longer gourds into a perfect replica of the Mayflower as a shout-out to our Pilgrim forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of blow off its hull with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your f&$king heads out of your a@@es; it’s fall, f&$kers.

Have you ever been in an Italian deli with salamis hanging from their ceiling? Well then you’re going to f&$king love my house. Just look where you’re walking or you’ll get KO’d by the gauntlet of misshapen, zucchini-descendant bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical Italian laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.

For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a floppy f&$king hat and stand in the middle of a cornfield for a few days. The first crow that tries to land on me is going to get his avian a@@ biotch-slapped all the way back to summer.

Welcome to autumn, f&$kheads!

(Click here for the story as it appears in McSweeney's and here to go to Colin's website for more tangy writing! Pic above from The 2 Seasons blog story on how-to make a gourd centerpiece.)